Filed under: Relationships
![Is a 'work hangover' ruining your relationship?]()
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UK-wide employment uncertainty, longer hours, money worries, difficult bosses - they don't just affect us, but our
relationships, too. So what can you do to limit the damage work strain is causing your love life?
The UK may be recovering slowly from the global recession, leaving chaos in its wake - but much of that damage is personal. Over half of us now feel that our jobs interfere with our home lives and a huge 69% of us consider work a significant source of stress. GPs say that work
strain leaves us irritable, unable to negotiate, anxious, preoccupied and often unlikely to share any feelings - none of which help a relationship thrive.
'There's currently massive pressure on our partnerships,' states RELATE counsellor Christine Northam (
www.relate.org.uk). 'If yours is struggling, right now it may well be a reflection of job stress, insecurity and economic pressure because the first place they all manifest is at home. We cannot separate modern relationships from work at all.'
So how do we avoid a potentially damaging hangover from all this constant work worry?
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When your partner comes home and you're itching to let off steam, instead stop and imagine what sort of day they must have had. Ask yourself - 'how can I make coming through the door better for them?'
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Get Perspective
When we're under pressure, our behaviours can change dramatically. According to Northam, women become 'more irritable, drink more, suffer depression and low libido. Men withdraw because they find it harder to articulate their feelings and may even divert their work pressure into affairs.
'If we don't maintain self-awareness when this pressure mounts, we project the hangover straight onto our partners,' warns Northam. 'Certainly, pressure and unhappiness make it harder to monitor personal behaviour, but the more we can understand what's driving these destructive actions, the easier it is to protect your relationship from them.' So before judging your own or your partner's deeds, first consider the role increased work stress is playing.
Talk asap
'Ask for ten minutes to discuss how you feel the work hangover is affecting your partnership,' suggests Northam. 'When relationships go sideways, we can lose our self-confidence which makes broaching problems harder. We become scared about asking for our needs to be met. As soon as you feel your confidence wavering - act. Constantly remind yourself of your value and convey your feelings without casting blame. "I'm worried there's increased pressure around. I feel lonely, a bit second-rate and I'm worried we're not communicating about it. I would love to talk."
Sometimes simply highlighting the fact that it's not a relationship issue, but a work one, is enough. If your partner's too stressed to listen, write it down. 'In a letter, not an email,' suggests Northam. 'Email is used for everything these days. A letter says, "I took the trouble because this matters to me."'
'Why should I make the concessions?'
Good question - but digging your heels won't fix anything. 'Someone has to make the first move,' says Northam. 'And it needn't be anything huge. When your partner comes home and you're itching to let off steam, instead stop and imagine what sort of day they must have had. Ask yourself - 'how can I make coming through the door better for them?' Maybe it's a cup of tea and a kiss, not a rant about your boss. This simple shift can make huge differences.' OK - we're not saying you won't be thinking, "and what about me?!" But nine times out of ten your partner will appreciate the gesture and follow your lead.
Tweak Your Routine
Go back to basics. 'Adapt your daily routine to accommodate how your WHs are manifesting,' says Northam. 'If you usually chat when you get in perhaps this has to change if stress is making either of you irritable or angry. Agree on a half-hour, post-work, separate room decompression period.'
If your tri-weekly sex session has taken a back seat, find the time you're both at your most relaxed and make a date for it. 'Actively creating a structure that supports how work is making you feel is straightforward and very effective,' reckons Northam.
Is it work - or something else?
Any stress highlights festering relationship cracks that may otherwise have gone unnoticed. 'If you're feeling angry find time alone to relax and consider: "If I woke up with my partner tomorrow and these work problems had disappeared, how would I feel about him/her? What would we do together? What would I say to them?"
Your answers are a good indicator as to whether work is the cause or whether it's highlighting deeper problems,' explains Northam. 'If it's work's fault, let that realisation keep you committed to resolution. Working through tough blips makes good relationships even better.'
And if things get serious...
If work issues have placed your relationship in serious jeopardy - i.e. you're talking divorce - Northam strongly recommends counselling. 'If your partner refuses, go alone. Right now you need effective ways of approaching this situation and that's what counsellors are there to provide.' Never let the work hangover win.
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Woman magazine
