Filed under: Relationships
![The Big Pre-Pregnancy Question: Have I done enough?]()
Katie Collins/PA
Is there really any way to be sure
you're ready for a baby? Fear of regrets at a life left behind continue to create dilemmas for ambitious women considering starting a family.
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Achieving personal goals before having a baby certainly allows you to more fully engage in the process of being a mum
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Over the last decade, the number of women waiting until they are over forty
to have a baby has increased by 50%, indicating that many feel strongly that kids mean some bridges will be burned. Whether it's the reality or not, certainly the question of "have I achieved enough?" is on the lips of most, before - and sometimes after - they've become pregnant. Superstar mum-to-be and business powerhouse Beyoncé included; she recently revealed she'd held off having a family 'to build an empire, relationship and [her] self-worth before becoming a mother.'
Many will argue that having a child presents no obstacle to ongoing ambition. For others, ensuring they have no regrets is crucial. For some - Mrs Jay-Z included - pre-pregnancy accomplishments are integral to better parenting skills. Whether you're going to wait or you're pregnant already, asking yourself the right questions can certainly help alleviate many doubts according to Life Coach, Psychologist, (and mum of two) Jenny Brookes.
To wait... or not to wait?
'Achieving personal goals before having a baby certainly allows you to more fully engage in the process of being a mum,' says Brookes. 'You enter parenthood with higher self esteem and empowering memories of adventure and achievement which can provide confidence in your own parenting ability.'
But the goal posts certainly shift once we've held new life in our arms. Giving birth can have a massively transformative impact on any previous ambitions, according to Brookes. 'In fact, having a baby gives us permission to re-evaluate. We're often so busy working and socialising that we never ask: "Is this what I want anyway?" Prior to having children our focus is on ourselves. And the decline of traditional female roles has also affected the ease with which we might give ourselves permission to get pregnant for fear of the career consequences.'
Have I done enough?
To be as sure as you'll ever be, Brooks suggests the following approaches -
(1) Speak to friends with kids: 'Is there anything they've regretted not doing? This isn't to say you'd miss the same things but it may highlight something only visible in retrospect, especially if your friends have similar likes, dislikes and backgrounds to you.'
(2) Talk To Your Mum: 'Did she have you early or late in life? If you have a good relationship, discuss what she perhaps felt she missed out on or the benefits of not waiting. Talking to someone you trust and respect will enable you to explore your thoughts more honestly.'
(3) List your Life Goals: '... then separate them into goals that are attainable even after a baby and those that would be harder. Which column is fuller? If there are a lot in the latter column it may be an indication that you don't feel ready.'
(4) Your social life: 'Are you still partying hard and living for the weekends or are you finding yourself staying in more? The more party-hardy your evenings, the chances are you may not be feeling quite ready and haven't done enough.'
Already expecting? How to silence ambition fears
'Doubts naturally accompany any big decision and can convince us we've made the wrong one,' states Brookes. 'Actually, they're providing an opportunity to weigh up the pros and cons of a situation, reflect upon where we are at and what needs to change.' Sound familiar? Brookes suggests speaking to other mums-to-be for some perspective. 'Unspoken concerns can grow bigger than they actually are or cause us to look at others and compare ourselves unfavourably. But once shared, there is often a sense of belonging that will reassure a woman that her worries are normal and not just indicative of a mistake made.'
Brooks also suggests shrewdly using your maternity leave. 'It's easy to want solely to relax but this can often contribute to that 'unfulfilled' feeling. Seek out local family events and get-togethers with other parents so you start to recognise everyone is having their own challenges and triumphs, too. This also allows you to look forward to time when you aren't working and of course builds up a bank of positive memories that aren't just
career-related.'
'If any doubts continue to nag, start planning what you can do to achieve these things when time allows. Having a baby will not prevent you from doing anything unless you let it. Yes, you may need more support but it's doable if you want it enough.'
And one final important question...
"Have I done enough?" is one thing but Brookes reminds us that it's also important to consider whether personal fulfilment is the real reason behind your reservations. 'Sometimes we postpone decisions because really, something isn't right. Is the relationship or environment or the health you are in ready for a child? Sometimes it's really these niggles that are holding us back.'
Contact Jenny at Platinum Coaching & Consultancy on brookesjenny@hotmail.co.uk
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